This past February, I had the privilege of partnering with a BIPOC-led student organization to highlight two Black American Chefs in honor of Black History Month. We worked diligently to develop engaging material and to provide those in our predominantly white community an opportunity to educate themselves about Black folks who are often left out of our history lessons in school. I used authentic recipes written by these chefs and only changed them to accommodate the volume we needed for our operation. The marketing manager posted pictures of the food, (chicken and dumplings with glazed carrots and cracklin bread) on our department’s socials. Most comments were positive, including those comments from our BIPOC community.  But we also got comments like, “ew” and “that looks gross.” One comment was “this is racist.” 

Every person who commented negatively was white and in their late teens or early 20s. I’m not going to mince words here, this is a demonstration of white supremacy. The othering and disrespect of these comments is a clear indication that either consciously or not, these white folks think they know better, see better, and are better than the folks of color who created this food that has shaped and formed everything all of us know about “American” food. It was a reminder of the white supremacist behavior seen among teenagers and college students that has been making it into the news as of late.

But this isn’t a “kids these days” rant. As a mother of teenagers, I see them stretching their sassy wings in an effort to find their own voice. They say and do things just to see how it will land with the people within their sphere. And in all of their joking, commenting, pushing, and posturing they are showing me just how much their father and I have influenced their lenses.  It’s time for the parents of white kids to take a look at themselves. We are teaching our children how to interpret the world, and we are not doing a very good job. When we refuse to believe folks of color, our kids learn to not believe them.  When we make “low key” racist jokes, our kids learn it’s ok to be racist. And when we diminish the struggles of another group, our kids learn that, too. 

Growing up in a home with a Black sibling, I saw up close just how differently people viewed my sister. Whether it was the expectations in the classroom or the difference in the way we were treated in public, there was a clear and distinct double standard that came with being Black and female that didn’t come with being white and female. And although I learned (unconsciously at first) that white privilege is a real thing, it wasn’t until well into my adult years that I began to fully acknowledge its devastating effects.  Even in the face of my own witnessed experience, I believed the white lie: that racism on a macro level is gone and equality was being practiced by our national institutions. It was only on a micro level that our country was still working through. I have said and done things that demonstrated that I thought I knew better, saw better, and was better than folks of color and my kids saw me do that. That is a hard thing to admit, but we white parents need to admit this. We need to recognize our own culpability in the white supremacy machine and we are on the hook to teach our kids that we were wrong before.

So stop feigning and start talking. Call your kids out when you see them engage in this behavior. Tell them exactly what they are doing and why it’s problematic. Then take that moment to look at yourself, because they are (at least in part) holding up a mirror. But don’t stop there! Make a concerted effort to educate yourself about the viewpoints of BIPOC folks. Follow folks on Instagram, read Black authors, go to MLK marches and BLM demonstrations, attend Black History Month programs led by BIPOC folks, and listen with a commitment to not talk or offer an opinion when BIPOC folks choose to tell you about their lived experiences. Oh, and bring your kids along. You are not protecting your kids when you shield them from the hard realities of BIPOC life in the world, you are teaching them indifference and othering.

If there is one thing I’ve learned as a parent it’s that often the small things we do matter more than the big things. Own up to your mistakes and tell them about them.  Apologize. Because this isn’t just about how we treat BIPOC folks, it’s also about teaching our kids to be good, empathetic, caring humans. 

Song Suggestion: Turntables ~ Janelle Monae