If Our Ancestors Could See Us Now: My Wild Spirit
Song of the week: Wildflowers - Dolly Parton
I was about 10 years old when snow began to fall one winter night in Eugene, OR. I was wearing a sundress, a shawl, and no shoes. I ran outside and spun in circles, dancing barefoot in the snow.
It was also at this age when I used to say I wanted 10 kids and no husband. Unsurprisingly, I got teased relentlessly. As I got older, I began to listen to the teasing voices and not to my own. Fear began to steer my choices and thoughts, and my spirit was caged by my carefully trained mind so I could do things that were expected and make people around me comfortable.
But I never felt right. My entire life has been a battle between my wild spirit and my trained mind. My spirit would yearn for more, it would buck and shake the bars of its cage, and then my mind would intervene- creating a messy mess for me to wade through. So when I found myself at 23 with a kid and no husband, my mind was eager to rectify it, and in November of my 24th year I took the name of a man. When I did, I knew I should not marry, but I did anyway. I did it because I thought that is what I was supposed to do. My mind was trying to fix what it had done to quiet my wild spirit, and in doing so created my biggest messy mess.
Turns out, marrying the nice guy with a shit ton of childhood trauma is a bad idea. For 15 years I had to dance around moods, impulsive decisions, abuse, infidelity, and unrealistic expectations, but I stayed because that is what I was supposed to do.
Then there was a shift about 10 years ago. I turned 30 in a flurry of moving across the country and starting a new position. I also stumbled onto confirmation that my spouse was having multiple forms of affairs (I knew, but didn’t want to know).
What was the point of working so hard at being the person I was supposed to be if it wasn’t going to turn out anyway? We were in a new town with no support network and I felt utterly alone. So I made the decision to stay. My trained mind dug in and tried even harder to make things work.
But something else happened I didn’t expect; my wild spirit began to grow again like a little seed. There wasn’t much sunlight, but it was determined. It began to grow and propel me towards decisions that allowed space for me. I began to do things just for me. Simple things, like buying items I had wanted for years, hiking by myself, and going on trips. As the years pushed forward, there was a little more of that wild spirit inside of me than there was before. And for maybe the first time since 10, I started to like myself.
About 2 years ago, much to my (and my spouse’s) joy, I was given an opportunity to take a position in Michigan. It was a chance to move home, which was something we had both wanted for years.
I started my new position just before the pandemic paralyzed the country, but my spirit flourished in the new environment and needed more room than any cage could give it.
And that is when I admitted to myself that my marriage would keep my spirit caged forever. I recognized I would rather be dead than spend another day in that cage. That is when I called Allie. Then Morgain. Then a lawyer.
I have come to realize that my wild spirit will always push me towards my best me, and I will dance in the snow in my bare feet and be that mom with no husband, because she is the person who will be best for this world.