The Long Goodbye

A long table with red plastic table cloths with several chairs through the center of the Love and Bicycles store. There is merchandise lining the walls. At the table are Alden and Allie’s kids with our mom.

About 7 years ago, Allie called me in the afternoon.

She told me the news that she had a diagnosis and it wasn’t good. I was at work. We cried together on the phone for a few minutes before finally hanging up.

Last year, I sat by Allie’s side as she began to speak slower and slower, she lost consciousness, slowed her breathing, and eventually slipped away. 

Six weeks later, we all gathered for Thanksgiving. Below is the letter I wrote to Allie shortly thereafter. 

Dear Allie,

Yesterday, I woke up at 6:00AM. I opened my eyes and they immediately swelled with tears. But I didn’t have time to cry in bed this morning. I forced myself out of bed, got ready for the day, and then began cooking. I still had 3 dishes to complete for dinner at 4:00PM and with the snow blowing outside, I didn’t want to hurry on the roads. 

The morning flew by, as it does when one is concentrating on singular tasks. Les woke up and came downstairs. He started talking to me and quickly realized I was not ok. He asked the worst question (to no fault of his), “Are you ok?” I just stood over the sink and cried. Tears running down my cheeks, explaining to my son why today was so hard.

“This whole dinner was Allie’s idea. She was supposed to be here. And had it not been for her, we wouldn’t know any of these people. They wouldn’t be our family. So, no honey, I’m not ok.”

I finished the cooking, the kids and I packed the car, and we headed to the bike shop. Blake, Jon, and Kellen had been busy clearing the floor and setting up tables. I still wasn’t ok, but the tasks helped me focus on other things. People arrived, food was set up, and children ran and laughed. Once the meal was set up, we joined hands and Logan spoke about the union of our families through the union of you and Blake. He spoke about the dream that was shared by you and Blake for the shop. I closed my eyes and cried. Mom was standing next to me. She was crying, too. I could hear Morgain, on the other side of mom and Logan, crying. I held mom’s hand tight as Logan spoke. When we split up, mom, Morgain, and I hugged tight. 

We held on so tight, knowing there was someone missing in that hug. You were not there, Allie, but you were everywhere. You were in the faces of your children, in the sadness in Blake’s eyes. You were in the colors of the shop logo and in the decorations around the shop. You were in the laughter and the tears. You were in the jokes and in the stories. You were everywhere. 

And that is the best and the worst part of your absence. You are everywhere, Allie, and you are nowhere.

Song of the Week ~ Space City by Drive-By Trucker