Reading Morgain’s post last week felt very timely.  I hate that story, too.  It gives me this deep feeling of dread in my stomach because we all know, or have known, those guys.  And this guy needs to back off my sister, for real.  We’ve all been trained to do this safety dance, balancing “niceness” to avoid hurting the ego of the aggressor, while simultaneously trying to keep ourselves safe.  It’s exhausting, and just another example of the mental and emotional load women, and especially women of color, are required to carry.  When fighting back could literally mean your life, you are raised to be a de-escalation specialist.

The reason Morgain’s post hit home for me is that I’ve been setting a lot of boundaries lately.  It seems to be the season for it.  Both of us at BSWS have written about setting boundaries lately, and I have a lot of women close to me who are also learning to flex that muscle.  I don’t know if it’s our age (we are all approaching or are middle aged) or if there’s just something in this moment in time that’s pushing us to finally respect ourselves in this way.

I am extremely lucky to have eight or so people in my life with whom I am in healthy relationships.  When setting a boundary they recognize it, respect it, and support it.  They understand that we are all growing and changing, and that true love and support looks like allowing your relationship to grow and change, too. 

Setting boundaries is okay.  It is necessary and healthy.  It is not selfish or mean.  We should not feel guilty about it and we should NEVER be made to feel unsafe because of them. Unfortunately I also have many people in my life who cannot respect them.  There is the denial of the boundary.  The need to control the boundary.  The total disrespect for the boundary to meet their needs instead of mine.  This is toxic and selfish and immature.  We are asked to bend and compromise to meet the demands of those around us, as if our boundary is a betrayal -  instead of their demands being a complete lack of respect.  We are often required to do the safety dance to keep ourselves out of harm’s way.  I am learning to let those people go.

I have been losing a lot of people in my life lately due to boundary setting. It is hard and it’s lonely.  Some people get really angry.  Some just ghost me. These are often former coworkers, or the parents of my kids’ classmates.  Sometimes they are people closer to me.   What I have come to realize is that what makes my boundaries so hard for some to understand and accept is because I have allowed these trespasses against me before.  I have often let things slide to keep the peace in situations because it was easier than doing what was right for me and my family.  We’re not talking about limiting screen time for my kids.  I am setting boundaries around racism and misogyny.  Where I once may have remained silent, I’m pushing back and making the whole (actual or virtual) room uncomfortable.  I’m also setting boundaries regarding the physical health of my family.  We’re in a pandemic and I have cancer.  That means people who don’t wear masks or practice social distancing aren’t welcome in our lives.  Sometimes this might feel like an abrupt switch.  But it’s been a long time coming.  I’ve never been shy about my feelings, I’ve just let things slide despite how I feel, valuing “nice” instead of valuing myself.  

It is never too late to set boundaries.  Just because you let things happen before does not mean you have to forever.  That’s growth.  That’s maturity.  That’s learning what a healthy relationship with yourself and with others looks like.  If others can’t accept that, you’ve outgrown them.  Do not let them hold you back.

“Do the best you can until you know better.  Then when you know better, do better.” -Maya Angelou